Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Things they REALLY sell for babies...

I've recently come across a few baby sites that have... sparked a rant in my head. In my parenting boredom of the evening, I decided to push my head-contained rant on to you....
The first site is BabyWit.com
There are a few things, like this $24 "War is Poop" shirt

but lets be honest... Its going to get pooped and spat up on - and the time I ever pay $24 for a shirt of Benjamins, well...it better fit him for more than 2 months.

So we're a cheap family... oh well.

Another site that has Amazing things is My Retro Baby...
Check out this trike!!!

But at almost $300....well, I guess it DOES have working lights....
Other than the prices, that site actually has some Really cool stuff...

I remember just before Ben came along and everyone talking about the baby "slings" so I could do things around the house and still have Ben close.
Well, it is a great idea in theory.

In practice.
Put your kid on the floor and let him eat some dirt, tip over and bonk its head just before he eats half a kleenex before you notice it. CHARACTER people - whatever happened to character!

One of my favorites however is... from "Babycenter"
I followed Baby Center's "week by week" calendar kaginger for a bit and... it was Alright....
but some of the information on that site is ...it is at least as good as a Simpsons episode.
In the "Is it Safe?" section, there really is a link to
"Is it safe to have acrylic nails put on during pregnancy?"
"Is it safe to be around computers all day when I'm pregnant?"
"Is it safe to use a photocopier for more than a few minutes when I'm pregnant?"
" Is it safe to use a vibrating chair during pregnancy?"
And there are seven, 7, SEVEN subcategories under "Baby Names" ....really!??? REALLY!??



Okay... time for Outrageous products....Marketing gods at work...or something
I introduce to you... the

BABY BOTTOM FAN.

Use at every diaper change to eliminate wetness......and waste an extra 3minutes of your time during each diaper change.

PROUDBELL PREGNANCY BELLY CASTING

just in case you want to have a casting of... what your body looked like during that awful time... it Might be neat if you could add to the sculpture how your back feels (maybe have a knife sticking out of it or something...) and have the sculpture constantly going pee...Yeah! Now we're talkin!

BABY CRYING ANALYZER....
***featured on fox news chicago*** ha. ha. there's your sign.
You're not paying enough attention to your child if you can't tell when he's hungry or tired, sorry. And if you tried feeding him, and tried putting him to sleep - then some sleep analyzer won't know either...

ZAKY INFANT PILLOW

this one isn't real, right?... $50.. for $50 it is real.

THE WALK-O-LONG

"The safest childs learning device Today!!!"
its like it wants to be a leash... but shorter... but... so short it makes you wonder why the hell the parents won't hold the kids' hands... coodies? Does your kid have coodies???? If you used the sling to carry your child around, he probably doesn't. If he sat on the floor and entertained himself... coodies for sure.
Life.time.of.coodies.

THUDGUARD HELMET
this isn't just for special needs children, people.

...do you have any idea how many times we've smacked Benjamin's head on the lamp on accident? How many times he has tipped over trying to sit up?
The company says this: "Most homes today have hardwood floors or tiles so statistically the chances are really high."
That the chances are statistically "REALLY high" is... scientifically convincing. Your child is going to get more emotional/mental damage when the pictures of him wearing this surfaces than if he would have tipped over the 8 inches it is to the ground....


Now for a few approved thangs:

BABYKEEPER

approved.

BABY TOUPEE

double approved. I'd like to order one of each.

BABY CAGE

...we sold Luda's cage... didn't think it was legal, but... our loss.

BILLY BOB PACIFIERS

I saw these at a Spencers store while in Ohio - almost bought it...for someone else. ;)


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**fine print -- not professional parent -- not too much intent to offend -- no intent to offend anyone specific -- No children (or Benjamin) were harmed in the creation of this post...except those used in the found images**

2 comments:

bscherer said...

well done kim topp. well done.

Natalie said...

oh Kim! I love it too!! thank you for that. my personal favorite was the Zaky pillow... um creepy. and I have seen in person people using leashes for their kids... another creepy!